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27 April 2024

 

The Privilege Of Friendship

May 1st is the anniversary of the death of Nancy, my Beloved Spouse. Her memory, fresh each day, underscores the blessings bestowed upon us both and the privilege of her friendship which she gave to me in our marriage.

Indeed, many grand thoughts come to mind as I reflect on our years together. Let me share a few …

Let Your Love Be Genuine

Each person is born with the ability to communicate, but words and gestures do have consequences. For example, we create problems when we use words carelessly and pay no heed to their authentic meaning, or to the context.

With misuse, words become flaccid cliches. An example is misuse of the word “love” (“I love ice cream and my dog and walks in warm rain and, oh yeah, my wife, too). Some people even use words to distort Truth, to manipulate emotions, to destroy others, to assert unseemly power.

Our effective use of words is an art we can develop with learning and practice, correction and self-discipline.

Friendship’s Nature

Another misused word is “friend.” We may have a slew of acquaintances whom we refer to as “friends,” people who share our likes and dislikes. But, truth be told, social compatibility is not a solid foundation for true - true - friendship.

Why not?

Because true friends are always influences for moral good, even at the expense of their comfort (theirs or ours). As Anthony Esolen points out, even Cicero believed true friendship is founded only in virtue. Thus, true friends are not blind to moral and social faults (theirs or ours). They are not tolerant of, nor silent about, sins and omissions (again, theirs or ours). They do not avoid difficult issues nor rest behind a veneer of jovial camaraderie. If necessary, they will confront us (with benign concern, of course) about misguided behaviors we do not want to face.

Mind Your Own Business

Some people believe “friends” should not mention each other’s misdeeds, that confrontation about sensitive issues should be strictly avoided. They do not want to be accountable to anyone. Such a view carries little validity and, at times, is indefensible.

Why?

Because sometimes we all need to be reminded that we are accountable to God and other persons; reminded that our behavior has consequences; reminded that we are responsible for our words and actions.

Sometimes we all need benign confrontation. We need to hear the Truth about ourselves from someone who is motivated not by self-righteous superiority, but by heartfelt concern which true friends possess.

It takes Wisdom and Courage for a true friend to speak to us forthrightly, with candor and prudent restraint. It also takes Humility on our part to seriously consider Truths about ourselves which true friends dare to mention (rather than their talking about us behind our back).

It takes a true friend to risk our wrath or rejection and speak Truth to us about our closely-guarded foibles. We may resent their candor but, by telling us the Truth, they confirm the fact that true friends always honor virtues such as Goodness and Fidelity.

Options

Thus, we are fortunate to have the true friendship of a handful of authentic friends who love us unselfishly; who care for our betterment and are motivated by fidelity to Truth and mutual Trust.

Trust is crucial. We cannot love someone we do not trust. True friends Trust one another because the binding force in true friendship is an abiding form of Love. This Love remains unspoken in some friendships (especially among men), but it is, nonetheless, unique, powerful and life-affirming.

For those who scoff at these ideas, opposing choices such as denial, avoidance and isolation are available. If we choose, we can dismiss friendship, especially if we find the price of Truth too steep, the idea of trusting someone too intimidating, the giving and receiving of Love too demanding.

The Ideal

In the Christian context, true friendship is a sacred communion. It begins as the unifying bond in Christian marriage, and serves as the foundation of family life which is inspired by the example of Love and Virtue of the marriage bond.

In the Christian context, true friendship begets a sustaining Love in marriage and family … Love which lasts beyond the limits of time, since time itself is really our way of coping with the mystery of the Eternal Now.

The Christian ideal of true friendship is particularly attuned to the transformative words of Christ at His Last Supper, when He calls His Apostles His “friends.” His words emphasize the Virtues of Trust and Love which inform true friendship.

These are crucial insights for an anti-religious culture which has lost much of its transcendent sense of mystery and pushed religious Faith away, stripping life of meaning for many people.

Marriage As Friendship

Thus, faithful union in true friendship is the point and purpose of Christian marriage, a spiritual and sacramental sharing of souls like no other.

Christian marriage is also a human union of shared laughter and pain, of secrets and doubts, as true friends pursue together (always together) the Divine mysteries of daily living.

Christian marriage is a God-given gift to wife and husband, who willingly become avenues for the presence of God to each other.

BUT … this ideal is not easily attained because we all possess human weakness and are subject to ego’s errant demands.

Human nature imposes much work for us to do, Truths to learn, virtuous choices to make, so that our marriage’s sacred potential may be realized and our recalcitrant urges curtailed.

The Privilege Of Her Friendship

I was privileged to have just such a friend: my Beloved Spouse, Nancy, who died at home six years ago May 1st, family by her bedside.

When we married, we promised fidelity in our hearts and our behavior. We promised to protect and honor one another’s trust and to pursue mutual goodness together. We promised always to stay close, to be sensitive to one another’s needs, to share our doubts even amid travail, to be the truest friend we both had ever had in this world.

As we aged together, we came to know the irreplaceable value of intimacy … authentic intimacy which leads to Trust and fidelity in word and deed, thought and memory; intimacy in which we are loved not despite who we are, but because of who we choose to become with our Beloved.

I was privileged to witness Nancy’s emerging Spirit and her artistic sensibilities (she was an artist: her art may be viewed at nancyparke.us) which, in our decades together, blossomed in ways which still inspire.

I was privileged to experience her warmth and partake in her delight when an idea for a painting struck her.

I was privileged to be blessed by her unquenchable love of family, privileged to be embraced by her tenacious loyalty, to enjoy with her the wonders of life and, at times, to endure its heavy price.

Learning Together

As our years passed, we both moved beyond the awkward, nagging mistakes of our pasts, and learned to see life together as a New Beginning, granted us by God in Hope and Promise. And I was further privileged to witness the Goodness in her soul emerge as our friendship grew and Wisdom gradually added a measure of maturity and deepened our Faith.

In our early days, she made demands which rightly shattered my selfish facades; demands which pierced the hardened veil of my pretenses and gave my needless defenses no ground upon which to stand, except to acknowledge my selfish state of mind.

In time, the wounds from the Truths she uttered were assuaged, then healed, by her tenacious Goodness which was revealed by the confrontative look in her eye, the slight tilt of her head, her tenderness in the morning’s cold light, her laughter which inevitably thawed my defenses … and our trust grew…

Together, we learned the universal principle that true friendship encourages us to give our love and to allow ourselves to be truly loved, to revere Truth and then not to fear our weaknesses and faults.

Humility’s Courageous Nature

In our search together, we learned hard lessons, such as the nature of Humility. In today’s culture of rage, Humility is seen as weakness and fearful timidity. The Humble person is portrayed as hat-in-hand and eyes downcast in a posture of inferiority.

Not so.

Humility means courageously adhering to Truth, not hiding behind denial or pretense or the trappings of superiority. Humility means facing reality. It demands courageous confrontation with Truth in the mirror of one’s educated conscience, and Truth from the mouths of others.

To be Humble is to be responsible to God and to others, to accept one’s accountability to others, to give more than expected and to take less than allowed.

So, in our search, we learned that Humility obliges everyone to hear Truth and to speak Truth, to listen intently and to change when required, thereby honoring true friendship in marriage.

Finally . . .

Many years ago, My Beloved Nancy sustained a serious injury as we walked on the rocks near our home on the Oregon Coast. She required weeks of rehabilitation, learning to use crutches, then how to walk again.

It was a slow, painful process for her as she re-learned what we take for granted: how to stand, how to put her weight on one foot, then the other, then cautiously step forth. Occasionally, she would teeter precariously in uncertainty, then recover and, standing straight again, ready for the next step.

She took tiny steps at first, putting one foot before the other, teetering riskily all the while. The threat of falling was constant, yet she persevered, putting one foot forward, then the next, learning all over again the simple act of walking.

I saw her struggle as metaphor for marriage, indeed, for life itself – as we put one foot forward and, despite the risks, we do it again and betake ourselves into the hopeful unknown. Despite our doubts and uncertainties, we do go forward into life’s mysteries again and again, courageous in our Hope, at times hesitant, yet pushing life ahead of us, ofttimes with teetering, uncertain steps, each of which means life to us. And we go forward seeking Truth … to love and to live and to learn, as Nancy did with delight each day.

Although My Beloved has gone to a land of Greater Truth, I am most fortunate to still have the privilege of her friendship; still fortunate to have her Love lighten my way … as she does with delight each day.